


Beyond

by Greykite



Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Angst, Canonical Character Death (Implied), M/M, ME1, Renegade Shepard (Mass Effect), Unresolved Sexual Tension (one-sided)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-17
Updated: 2020-03-17
Packaged: 2021-03-01 01:27:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 848
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23187007
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Greykite/pseuds/Greykite
Summary: Shortly before Virmire, Kaidan talks to Shepard.
Relationships: Kaidan Alenko/Male Shepard
Kudos: 15





	Beyond

"What do you think about our next mission, Lieutenant?"

Shepard's gaze is a perfect indifference, a dark land where a thousand sins are buried.

 _"You don't really care what I think."_ The thought is bitter, and much more bitter than it should be.

Shepard's hands are folded behind his back, just like on the holo-recordings of Admiral Hackett's speeches, and it seems that if Kaidan would suddenly want to touch him (he tells himself that he has not want this for a long time), his fingers may just pass through the air.

Kaidan swallows. He can't help but look, can't help but inhale the air Shepard has just exhaled — and it forms a tight, painful knot in his chest.

Irreparable infection — not even a biosecurity suit will help.

“The team is ready”, he says, fighting the urge to rub his temple. “Crewmembers are aware of the risk, but they also understand that we can't let everyone who counts on us down. This is a threat to humanity, too.”

The corner of Shepard's mouth, crossed by an old scar, stretches in a familiar (studied much better than it should be) semblance of a smile.

"I thought I'd hear the space marine’s opinion, Lieutenant," he says.

 _"Whom you again won't take to the surface."_ The second-in-command of the landing party, Kaidan was much more likely to stay on board — under some convenient pretext. And then Williams, after a drink or two, that helped her to forget the difference in rank (Kaidan doesn't touch alcohol himself) talked with him about the landings she had taken part in. About new enemies: extinct insects, krogan, asari commandos. About the extraterrestrial sky, ancient monoliths and secret laboratories. But most of all, of course, about him: about Shepard and the decisions he made.

Kaidan looked away each time, seeing the dog's loyalty in her eyes.

“The conditions in this particular region of the planet don't seem suitable for a large-scale operation, but — " Kaidan takes the opportunity and turns to the information terminal. His fingers on pure automatism enter a sequence of necessary commands. “Model for system of defensive structures, recreated from intelligence data and images from orbit…”

Shepard doesn't interrupt him — and he should have. Kaidan's own voice seems too loud, as if he's trying to shout over the silence that is creeping in from all sides.

There is no sound from the other crew members present on the living deck. Even those Kaidan has known since his first day on board now often look away or fall silent as he walks past them. He is tactfully avoided — as they did not avoid even a krogan mercenary.

The empty space that Kaidan notices around himself resembles — more and more — a scene from a movie: the kind of scene where everyone rushes away from something huge and rapidly falling.

And only he looks up: as if he can't physically break the line of sight.

“...and most likely the sabotage group will need air cover," he concludes. The words scrape across his dry throat like salt sand.

Shepard nods — as if he's been listening to something else all this time.

"Thank you for informative conversation, Lieutenant. Now I should go.”

The Spectre’s badge flickers sharply on his uniform; the Navy insignia almost fades in the half-light.

Is this ship still the ship of the Alliance?

Yet every time when Kaidan's hand hovered over the virtual keyboard the report remained unsent: a day late, a week late, three long months late. _"Why are people like you even kept in counterintelligence, Lieutenant?"_ He almost hears it. He no longer doubts that Shepard knows. Shepard knows about Kaidan’s _other_ task — and does not utter a word. He's still looking straight at Kaidan, as if the word "subordination" is tattooed right on his eyeballs. But this is a lie; if only Kaidan hadn't seen (he tells himself he's only watching out of necessity) how Shepard touches everyone else: as if adjusting the details of a complex mechanism.

The flair of a technical specialist and the accuracy of a saboteur combined.

Monstrous power. Power which should not be possessed by any single person.

_"Admit it, Lieutenant. It's not really amount of my power that you care about. It’s the fact that you were left out of orbit of this power."_

He closes his eyes. He’s not argue.

Even through lowered eyelids the light seems too bright. Shepard's face — a faded negative — dances there like an afterimage. Nausea rises in his throat.

Halfway up the stairs, Shepard turns his head and throws words like a grenade:

“Ah, yes. Prepare yourself properly, Lieutenant. The squad is landed in full force.”

***  
Time, which was already not in excess, ends with a dry creak in the dynamics of his helmet.

“We're heading for the bomb. Hold on as long as you can. I'll be back for you, Lieutenant. “

Suddenly, he feels relief — and almost nothing else. 

"It 's all right, commander. I'll hold on.”

Now Kaidan can at least die for the sake of Shepard's goals — if he is denied the right to live for him.

**Author's Note:**

> Monachopsis - the subtle but persistent feeling of being out of place, as maladapted to your surroundings as a seal on a beach. (Inspired by this prompt).


End file.
